Socialism Evolves at Liquor Store with Mom

I was in a liquor store with my mom arguing about politics and the economy. I kept saying that capitalism is dead because of all the greedy stupid white people raping their clients and that socialism was the inevitable result. I continued to pile 500mL bottles into the cart. My mom told me that I was stupid and that if we were socialists, this alcohol would cost a three times as much. "Yeah, right! If we were socialist Jager would not cost me 24$ for a 750mL! And bartending school would be free!" My mom says, "Jager would be so much more expensive if we were a socialist nation! Alcohol is the FIRST thing to increase in price!" The Asian clerk lady behind the register says, "Oh yeah! Jager in China VEEEEEWY expensive!" Then my mom threw a bottle of Galliano at the clerk. I grabbed my bottle of Jager and ran the hell away!

Jake Delhomme Doesn't Suck

I was playing wide receiver for the Panthers with the less than minute left down by 6 points. I told Jake to pass to me right away and I would get out of bounds. I have no idea what team we were playing, and I never did figure it out. The first pass I caught I ran out of bounds then back to the huddle. I tell Jake I am going to run a curl, he licks his fingers and I hustle to the line. He throws me the ball, I get it, spin around a teammate making a block and stiff arm Chad Johnson as he tries to tackle me. I mean, I jacked Ocho Cinco right in the face. Nobody was wearing helmets so Chad Johnson was super pissed about me smacking him right in the nose. Next play was a bomb; I run up and knock Ocho Cinco on his ass and keep running. I jump OVER the linebackers to catch the ball and just keep floating. All the way to the end zone. I landed, spiked the ball and ran back to Jake. "See man," I tell Jake Delhomme, "you DON'T suck".

Teenage Captain America

Captain America as a Teenager 3/15/09

I was playing in the backyard and the greenbelt of my neighborhood when I saw a rather surly guy throwing around a large floppy disc. This other kid was wearing a very strange mask, but I elected to speak with him despite his potential to be a psycho.

I did not ask him his name, merely asked how far he could throw his massive disc. It must have been at least the size of a man hole cover. Very large object for a 13 year old to be accurately throwing. The greenbelt was full of kids, they were everywhere. All ages, shapes, and sizes. Some kids were burning ants with magnifying glasses, while others were playing with and eating glue. Pretty standard if you ask me.

I asked the kid to show me what he could do with his massive frisbee. "See that tree way down there?" I look through the mass of kids doing American kid things, and saw the tree he was talking about. Must have been half way down the green belt, at least three hundred feet. "Yeah," I say, "get it down there." He gripped the disc and sent it away. It was incredible how perfect this kid threw it.

He nailed the tree, and I ran to retrieve the disc. The tree was dented where he had thrown it. The kids playing with glue had already swarmed the disc and were drooling, spilling glue all over my new friend's play thing. There were globs all over it, so I picked it up and jogged back to the kid.

"Wow, man, that was impressive. What's your name?" I ask the talented teenage superhero.

"Steve, I am new here. I didn't fit it in my old town or school, and things aren't going very well here either," he tells me. I tell him that if he can do something as cool as whip a giant frisbee hard enough to dent a tree that he will have plenty of friends. I apologize about the glue everywhere, and that the special kids got to it before I could. "No problem, friend. Why don't you give it a toss?"

I wind up from about the same place Steve threw his disc from. I tell him I have a noodle arm and I don't know if it is such a great idea for me to throw anything with so many other children around. Steve assures me everything will be fine. I let the thing fly. It sails the wrong direction, over the fence of the greenbelt, and inevitably into the road.

Steve and I run and hop over the fence just in time to see an old school VW Bus slam into three cars parallel parked by the entrance to the greenbelt. It was amazing! Steve was shocked, but to see all the cars smash into each other, glass flying, tires screeching and metal grinding was an epic sight for such young eyes. Then I see the disc, rollin up the road against traffic in the bike lane.

The driver got of his car and was furious. "Who threw that thing?! It almost killed me! I wrecked my van, dude!" Steve and I both saw the disc rolling as well as the car crash.

"Hey!" I yell back, "I saw you plow into these cars on your own, dipshit! The disc had nothing to do with you crashing your precious bus! You could have stopped, but instead you chose to drive like a moron and wreck half a dozen vehicles!" Steve tells me to get the disc and that he would handle the situation.

I run off to get the disc. The glue had spun and formed two white circles around the disc due to the rotation during flight. It looked pretty cool. I got back to Steve and he told me the guy was walking home because he was drunk. Steve said he told the guy he smelled like liquor and to run if he didn't want to cops to find him. Stand up kid for being the future Captain America, right?

I hand him the disc back. "I like the concentric glue circles, they look cool. I will be right back," Steve explained. He went back into the greenbelt to find the glue eaters. He came back and showed me his disc. "I added this star to the middle of it. Looks good, yeah?"

"Awesome, Steve. It looks great. I think you will do just fine here, I think you will do big things," I tell him.